I never really understood this term, I never really could empathize with people that claim they have depression or anxiety. But life is funny in the way it wants us to learn and grow. See, depression wasn't a thing for me. It was just something people fail to fight, people choose to moan about and not work hard to overcome. Surely, if it was proven that your brain malfunction, then yes, I agree with you. And is not that I cannot show sympathy, but its a fact that I will never truly understand the depth of pain, and the daily struggle a person goes through just to live a normal life, just to not be defeated.
I know now, because I am there. I know now because it hurts so much. Because, every time I start a day thinking positively, being sure I am one step better than the day before, this " thing" comes knocking on my subconscious. The knock is subtle, but by no means something I can ignore. It keeps tugging at the back of my head and slowly finds its way to the bottom of my heart, eventually leading to the fore front of my brain. And there it sits, on my chest and on my forehead, refusing to leave until I give in, accept it. For me accepting is either telling someone I feel this way, or either acknowledging it and do something about it. There are days where I just spiral down and feel a lot of self pity. There are days where I distract myself by keeping myself busy. There are days I just procrastinate and let the day waste away. There are days where I scream to God in my head, praying and wishing it away. Then there are days like these, where I've decided to write it down, in this old and dusty blog that has lay forgotten.
Is this "thing" called depression? Or is it anxiety? Or is it self pity or just having nothing better to do and like complaining rather than standing up and fighting against it? I don't know. But I know now that I cannot judge others for what they go through psychologically because I know not how much they are struggling just to keep afloat. I also know that no matter how much pain I feel, others might have it worst, and it is very possible that no one in this world will understand just how difficult it is for me. Hell, even I myself, don't understand why its so difficult, why it won't just go away, or why I can't just be happy again.
