New year resolutions and 2019

At the end of each year, many people start posting a summary of how their year went by and what their  new year's resolution are on social media. I've seen so many this year, all talking about how they have had ups and downs, how they've grown and how they are ready for the next year. I think I used to be one of them. Feeling like nothing is going to knock me down, that the next year is a new year and I can be a new me. That all the pain and suffering has only made me stronger and I can definitely deal with life better.

This year, I didn't make that post, I didn't comment on how my year passed by. I felt more like an observer rather than a participant of the trend. Perhaps its because I don't know anymore. I no longer have the certainty I have in me nor the fire in me to fight that stubborn fight of standing tall and fighting against the odds or fdate (if you like) or being positive about it. I'm simply just here, floating along the sea of time, waiting to see what my next experience is, waiting to see what lies ahead.

I do, however, have a new year resolution for 2019. And that is to give to others what I wish others would give to me. Perhaps an listening ear, a open heart, love, kindness, friendship, faith... I'll constantly try to be as selfless as I can. 2019 will be my year of giving. And I hope this blog post will help me keep my resolution, even if nobody actually reads it.

That "thing" that hides within your subconscious

Depression..

I never really understood this term, I never really could empathize with people that claim they have depression or anxiety. But life is funny in the way it wants us to learn and grow. See, depression wasn't a thing for me. It was just something people fail to fight, people choose to moan about and not work hard to overcome. Surely, if it was proven that your brain malfunction, then yes, I agree with you. And is not that I cannot show sympathy, but its a fact that I will never truly understand the depth of pain, and the daily struggle a person goes through just to live a normal life, just to not be defeated.

I know now, because I am there. I know now because it hurts so much. Because, every time I start a day thinking positively, being sure I am one step better than the day before, this " thing" comes knocking on my subconscious. The knock is subtle, but by no means something I can ignore. It keeps tugging at the back of my head and slowly finds its way to the bottom of my heart, eventually leading to the fore front of my brain. And there it sits, on my chest and on my forehead, refusing to leave until I give in, accept it. For me accepting is either telling someone I feel this way, or either acknowledging it and do something about it. There are days where I just spiral down and feel a lot of self pity. There are days where I distract myself by keeping myself busy. There are days I just procrastinate and let the day waste away. There are days where I scream to God in my head, praying and wishing it away. Then there are days like these, where I've decided to write it down, in this old and dusty blog that has lay forgotten.

Is this "thing" called depression? Or is it anxiety? Or is it self pity or just having nothing better to do and like complaining rather than standing up and fighting against it? I don't know. But I know now that I cannot judge others for what they go through psychologically because I know not how much they are struggling just to keep afloat. I also know that no matter how much pain I feel, others might have it worst, and it is very possible that no one in this world will understand just how difficult it is for me. Hell, even I myself, don't understand why its so difficult, why it won't just go away, or why I can't just be happy again.

When a song you love reminds you of someone

I hate it how sometimes, things you value reminds you of someone that held a place important in your heart at one point but for one reason or another, this person leaves and they sort of taint that valuable thing of yours. Do you get what I mean?

It's like a song you love so much but it reminds you of someone that has left. Or something you did together but now that someone has left. It feels like that song you love so much, or that something you like doing, maybe walking at the beach, or even going for a run, has now become something to remind you of the pain or the sadness you are going through.

I know one day, that song, that place, or that little something I love doing will be mine again, and that memory that was associated with it will no longer have power to affect me. But during that transition, during that transition, it's sad.

My hero

So recently I went for a workshop hosted by my university on how to get task done and one of the question I got asked was, who's your hero? Who do you aspire to be like?

And my answer is, the people around me. It's not just a single soul, but is the multitude that makes up my social circle: my family, my friends, my colleagues, my mentors and even my students.

You see, everyone has a lesson to offer, an admirable trait, an experience to share.  It is through these people, that I see, learn and mould myself to become what I pray, is a more ideal me. I have learnt things like:

humility - being willing to humble yourself to acknowledge things you don't know and learn;

kindness - taking the time and effort to really care about people's wellbeing and following up on them;

selfless - choosing to pick up that piece of garbage you see lying on the ground and not act ignorant;

optimism - to always look at things from another point of view when your current view is seemingly bleak;

generosity - being generous in your compliments and being genuine at it;

These are just the little preview of what heroes around me are portraying and I admire them from the depths of my heart! And so, I hope to honour them by dedicating this post to all of them! Thank you so much for being my hero!!

My weight lost journey in June 2016

So it's been a month and I feel so depressed I think I should pen it down. Why am I depressed? It's the same reason I as always, and the same thing I like to blog and complain about - I've been trying to lose weight and failing miserably. This post will serve as a self reminder, a record if you will, to understand myself a little more. Everytime I lose a bit of weight, I feel like I need to gain it back. I literally eat it back! And I'm extremely successful at it. I don't understand how it's so hard for some people to lose weight because it comes so naturally to me!!!! I don't understand how I know I want to lose weight with all my heart, but the next minute I want to gain it back with as much if not more conviction than I had with trying to lose it in the first place. Is this a psychological problem? Is this a brain trigger to keep your body weight in check as a survival mechanism? Does my will power suck and I just have lame excuses or am I trying to reward myself for the "hardwork" I've put in only to ultimately make it a complete waste? I've been taking pictures of my weight for a month now and I realise its really easy to lose 1kg. I can do that in a week, with healthy diet and exercise. But I also easily gain it back in a week, with letting lose, treating myself and making excuses. And the week after I feel like shit because of the weighing scale and I repeat the cycle again. I'm writing it down this time because I am going to try and keep the losing weight cycle to 2 weeks now instead of 1 week,or,if possible to 1 month instead of 1 week. I am full of self doubt, self loathing and self pity right now that I don't think this is going to happen. But we'll see. I'll update you in a month. Any maybe one day, just one day, when I achieve my target, I'll be brave enough to show the internet world a compilation of my weight change and self loathing fat body of myself.

New Year Resolution

I suppose being a quarter into the year is not too late to set your new year's resolution right? Right?

Geez, whatever OK? I found one and I'm going to set it as my goal anyway. If you know me, you'd know that I'm not exactly outspoken or in fact at all confident with myself, especially when I'm not in my comfort zone or with people I am accustomed with.

And this brings me to my resolution. I am going to try and be more outspoken, to be more sociable and not worry about how stupid I look if I say something less than witty. I'm going to try and come out of this coccon of mine and grow some balls wings! ROFL

R. City - Locked Away ft. Adam Levine

Had this song stuck in my head today, and started randomly singing it when I was chatting with the bf. And so I asked him,

Me: If I show you my flaws, if I couldn't be strong, tell me honestly, would you still love me the same?
BF: Do you have flaws?
Me: Of course!
BF: What flaws?
Me: I am fat.
BF: That is not a flaw.
Me: Yes it is. I have old knees.
BF: That is also not a flaw.
Me: Yes it is. And I am fat.
BF: haha.. Why do you keep repeating that?
Me: Because that's my flaw. I am fat.
BF: No, that is not your flaw.
Me: So being fat is not a flaw?
BF: No.

<3 <3 <3